A Life of Parallel Paradox

one last entry for 2023

long COVID symptoms on the left; my symptoms on the right

I’ll start with a health update. The above left column list the symptoms for long COVID while the right column lists the symptoms that I have been experiencing for the past three months. The similarities were compelling enough for my cardiologist to delay my ablation surgery for another six months to see how this all plays out. As for long COVID, I’ll just share the response my cardiologist gave me, “Unfortunately there is nothing we can do for you, we don’t know very much about it.” I am now waiting on a referral to the long COVID clinic at either UCSF or Stanford. I am hoping that the clinics will know more including a diagnosis and possible treatment. You might be surprised when I tell you the overwhelming feeling that I have is relief. I am so relieved to be on a path that might lead to some answers, and that I now have some probable cause rather than questioning everything that I feel. When you don’t feel well or feel like yourself, it is compounded if you don’t have any underlying causes nor answers. So what does this have to do with a life of parallel paradox?

this one picture has brought me joy in countless ways

Last Saturday, I experienced one of my happiest days even though I had chest pains all damn day. Parallel paradox is when you are experiencing two opposite or conflicting feelings at once. On Saturday, I was feeling elation as I lifted, had lunch, then coffee, and jammed on the electric guitar with my friend Tony; and at the same time I was managing chest pains and the anxiety that comes with it. I am learning that I can be both happy and anxious, and that I can both exercise and have a body that is failing me. This is my current life of parallel paradox. Can’t relate? Don’t have long COVID? Never been in permanent atrial flutter? Let me frame it in a way that may help you understand that you too are living in a parallel paradox.

“Dad, can you grab a couple of baguettes.” *dad shows up with twelve

How was your holiday, or Christmas if you celebrate it. Did you get to spend time with your family and loved ones, sharing gifts and eating delicious food? Well, if you answered yes, then you too are living in a parallel paradox. Because parallel to all of the joy and happiness that you experienced over the holidays, the world is far from all joy and happiness right now. Ukraine and Russia are at war. Hamas and Israel are at war, and countless civilians (mostly children and women are both suffering and paying the heaviest price, their lives). The Earth is warming at an alarming rate. I could go on and on but my point is to not make you feel guilty, nor feel bad, but rather to point out that we are ALL living a parallel paradox. Some of you are holding onto A LOT, it might be the Hamas-Israel conflict, maybe your health, or anxiety around climate change; but you are still showing up for your loved ones, your friends, and maybe even your community. Whatever is happening in your life, I hope that you have family, friends or a community to lean on, and that you in turn, be the family, the friend, or the community for others to lean on. I was very moved by this poem by Mahmoud Darwish, and it made me feel gratitude without the eye-roll (IYKYK me):

Mahmoud Darwish, “Think of Others”

On December 15, I celebrated the 81st birthday of the man I love most in this world, my dad. I invited him up to Marin to stay overnight and to share with him all the places that have brought me so much joy and happiness. He had never taken BART so I took BART down to meet him at the Berryessa station and showed the old man and my stepmom some new tricks. He loves to fish. I have never fished on my own nor do I know how. There was YouTube. Two hours later, no fish, but the man sure did look happy. And I got to catch up with my friend David on the phone as he was making his way down to Mexico for a new life. As we were hiking at the top of Mt. Tam, my dad, who has been on high blood pressure medication for the past 30+ years, who also has gout, and one minor stroke, turned to me and said, “I hope to live to 100 so that I can keep doing things like this.” Indeed, a life of parallel paradox. Peace out 2023.