Why Am I Like This?
more musings on aging
Lately, I’ve been asking myself: Why am I like this?
I mean… have you seen my Instagram?
Why do I spend time making reels? Why do I need THIS as an outlet.
Why am I so weird? And silly.
And HYPER.
Why do I need attention?
And why do I get so bloody excited for tings?
Why am I like this?
Truth be told, I’ve been asking myself this question for a long, long time — ever since I was a kid. And I thought just maybe, I would grow out of me with age. And here we is… 53 (soon-to-be 54) and still not grown out of it.
I was all of these things in middle school, and I remember the kids would say to me, “You’re such a weirdo, it’s probably because you’re not getting any sex.” True, I was not getting sex, but this weirdo was getting naked and having (not sex) fun with girls 😏.1 Well, ever since then, I’ve adopted weirdo as my brand and flown my freak flag proudly.
Maybe, that’s why I am like this.
I think what I am really asking myself by asking “why am I like this”, is “Why have I not adulted?” Truth be told, I have never felt, and still don’t feel like an adult. Maybe this is in part because I don’t have the milestones that mark adulthood. I don’t have a mortgage, I’m not married with child(ren), I don’t have a full dining set nor a Cuisinart, and I am just beginning to feel some financial security at 53 years old.
Recently, I had to describe myself to a suitor on one of those dating apps, and I wrote, “I’m more of a boy than a man”. Yes, physically, I’m the height of a boy, but I used this description mostly because I don’t feel like a man — because a man is an adult.
Ok, tangent. Because of my proportions, I look taller than I really am… from far far away. Years ago, I was meeting up with a date, and as I approached him, he looked slightly confused. I asked him, “Why so perplexed?”, and he responded saying that I looked tall from a distant — but as I walked closer and closer, I wasn’t getting taller and taller, but remained the same size as I was when I was far far away. And that’s why he was perplexed 🙄.2
Many days, I catch myself feeling like that middle school weirdo. Hyper, easily excited and distracted by pop culture, and wanting to be the center of attention. Some times, who am I kidding, most times, I feel like I am the most immature, and the least adult in the room, even if the room is full of 20- and 30-some year-old tings. To be honest, 53 year-old me is not what 18 year-old me imagined I would be.
Yes, I wish I had more of the milestones that I thought an adult would possess, maybe minus the full dining set and Cuisinart.3 But 18 year-old me never imagined that 53 year-old me would feel and have the energy of middle-school me. And I guess that’s where I’m really going with this post. See what I did there? You welcome.
Oddly, this is the second post where I feel compelled to flex on my middle-school sexual prowess.
This date was a one-off, not because of his perplexity, he couldn’t ride a bike… fast.
I’m a minimalist when it comes to the kitchen, I own ONE knife, and TWO of each: plate, bowl and mug. I can only host one guest for dinner at a time… exactly.
